


I can't make you love me

by Akiko_kitsune



Category: Gintama
Genre: Drunken Confessions, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Canon, Wingman Gintoki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-11-08 04:37:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17974622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akiko_kitsune/pseuds/Akiko_kitsune
Summary: Sometimes life comes to the point when everything turned alright and you should be happy, but you have been secretly asking for more. Same happened for Takasugi. He never expected to survive that long, but when he did, he couldn't help asking for even more. It was impossible for him to achieve, but there are situations when having friends comes in handy, right?





	I can't make you love me

**Author's Note:**

> One more time with a post-canon fic. I started being anxious that I always made Shouyou and Takasugi got on board with relationship too soon, so after listening too much to a song: "I can't make you love me" by Bonnie Raitt (in Dave Thomas Junior cover), I started plotting a fic where it would not be that easy.

If it was a fairytale, the story would jump off to the easy part. Everyone was saved. They won. Everyone lived happily ever after... But it wasn't a fairytale. In your own life, no one can press fast forward to the happy end. You have to bear through the painful parts, you have to struggle through the harder parts and you have to pass the boring parts. It takes time for the world to come back in order. Especially if the balance has been changed and someone new appeared.

Takasugi knew it. He never expected a happy ending for himself either. Although no one forbid him to dream, he was aware that it was rather unlikely for his dreams to come true. When he saw a bit of light in his life, a bit of hope, he started fantasising so hungrily. He couldn't help it. After all these years of desperation and pain, there was a chance... A really small chance... He pulled off plans that had an even smaller chance of succeeding... It wasn't a war anymore. He was no longer a commander. It wasn't a battle. Regular civilian life tent to screw him over.

It was better to stay low. Appreciate what he had, what he had gained. He got Shouyou back. That was the most important.

He stayed by him all that time. He watched as Shouyou got used to his new life. Takasugi knew how some smiles were honest and some were forced to keep others from worrying. As if Shouyou felt that he had already caused too many problems for everyone. He seemed more distant and quiet than he used to be, but he was slowly getting out of it. He had to take and finish this fight in himself and this time he had to win.

Takasugi was there for him all this time. As close as he let him get.

Takasugi loved Shouyou. Since they were teacher and student. Maybe he only fell for him more when he actually joined the school. Back then he was too young to acknowledge or do anything about his feelings. Then the war came and everything was lost. When Takasugi learnt that there was a possibility that Shouyou was still somehow alive...

That was the dream he was dreaming for the last years.

Takasugi didn't dare to tell him it. He didn't know how to make it right. It always stayed on his mind and he feared it might slip during some casual talk. Or worse when someone else would be around.

It turned even worse - he only mumbled it once when he got drunk with Gintoki and others and Shouyou took him for a night.

"I love you. I always loved you."

In the morning not only hangover was weighing on Takasugi's head but also the bitter shaken memory of not getting the answer.

So he confessed again a few days later when they were alone. This time the answer came:

"I'm sorry."

Only that. They didn't speak about it anything more.

Takasugi always put everything on one cart. When he was winning, oh, he was triumphing. But when he was losing, it was shattering. He shouldn't think about it in this way. It was only the feeling that tasted the same. However all these years of failing, he learnt how to still act like he was owning the world. Put on a smirk, keep head high. But if there was one person who could see through Takasugi's facade, it would be Shouyou.

Takasugi left earlier that day. Shouyou didn't say anything about it.

 

* * *

 

Otose's bar was a rather calm place. At first look, it might seem surreal seeing how much alcohol some people could drink there. But more attentive viewer would notice the cause. No one dared to start a brawl when Gintoki was around. He may never mind for making his name, but in this district, he was known. And rarely someone wanted to pick up a fight with him. Chances of winning him over were low and Takasugi was the best person to confirm it. Though, he would never admit it out loud. 

Takasugi came inside the bar. It wasn't his usual place to hang out, but since he wandered all the way here, why not? He could get drunk wherever.

"You look like a disaster,” Gintoki mocked seeing him. He was already pretty drunk.

"Finally we're similar in something." Takasugi sat next to him by the bar. Maybe he needed to tournament himself this night.

"On me."

"Like you've ever had any money. I'll pay." Takasugi took the bill of money. "Let's get drunk."

"I won't drag your drunk asses out of here," Otose snarled, but she took the money.

Takasugi pushed a few bills more.

"Tama, drag them to Gintoki's when they pass out!" Then she said to Takasugi: "It's the last time."

"Show off," Gintoki scoffed, when she left them with few bottles of liquor. "How many people you screwed over to get that much money?"

"No one. They're giving me money without any prompting."

"How you didn't end up the big bad will always remain a mystery."

"I was always better with money than you."

"Well, when daddy leaves you fortune is..."

"My father hasn't left me anything. I was disowned."

"Okay," Gintoki rolled his eyes. "Maybe that's true..."

"I'm always right."

Gintoki groaned. "What are you even doing here?" He looked at Takasugi and changed his tone. He had to notice something was wrong. "What's going on?"

"I'm bad at handling rejection."

"Oh, someone hurt your feelings?" Gintoki mocked.

"Shut up. You started. I didn't come to cry out here. Only to drink it off," and while saying that he poured himself first round.

"Who?" Gintoki asked.

"None of your business."

"That blond one...? Nah, she wouldn't reject you. You can go and cry over her arm, pretty sure she would let you for anything."

"I have higher standards than you."

"So... Drinking with an old friend. Not telling him with who... As if I would judge you... Well, I definitely will, but you don't care what I think."

Takasugi hesitated before spilling it out. He wasn't most open out his feelings kind of person. Though, if anyone would look closely at his actions, they would notice it was all to achieve one goal, that he had ever cared only about one person. He had been too careless. Now he could hide it all. And he didn't want to be a person who denied their feelings. He wasn't ashamed.

"Shouyou," Takasugi spilt in the end.

"I thought you two had a thing back then..."

"Why?"

"You were throwing yourself into war with the whole universe for him. I'm not that dumb to do the math."

"He was important to all of us."

"But you were the only one who got crazy about it." Gintoki looked closely at his friend. "Did you two back then...?"

"No. You knew he would touch us.".

"I also thought he could not be a psychopathic murderer wanting to erase the human race. Now I keep it safe and assume everything is possible." He emptied his glass.

"At least you're learning." Takasugi poured both of them.

"You two match. Same melodrama. Somethings wrong, you go straight ahead to destroy the world."

"Both of us had reasons to do it."

"Shitty reasons."

"Maybe..." Takasugi sighed.

"So... At the end, you have daddy issues."

Takasugi frowned. "Think what you want." He drunk what was left in his glass. "I have never seen Shouyou as a father figure," he started talking. He didn't care if Gintoki was listening or not. Alcohol had to take effect. Or Takasugi would like to blame it on something else than himself. "Fathers are nothing like him. They only demand you to obey, to do whatever they want. They are not as caring as he was. They are not so gentle..." he stopped feeling his speech was going into a direction Gintoki would prefer not to hear. "And he was too young. He seemed young..." he stopped. There were so many things about Shouyou that stayed being only their assumption. And no matter how much any of them wanted to know him, he would push everyone away.

Takasugi followed Otose for a moment. He smirked. "Maybe you're projecting your issues on me," he mocked Gintoki taking his sweet revenge over him. "There's maybe a reason why you're spending here so much time. Some mommy issues?"

"You little shit."

 

* * *

 

Takasugi groaned. His head hurt. He had no idea where he was. Everything was so loud. Why was someone shouting so much? 

He forced his eye to open. He saw those kids. So he did sleep at Gintoki's place after all.

He tried to raise a bit to wake himself up more. He was lying on Gintoki's futon. With him. That was how extensive drinking ended. Well, it could have ended differently, but judging by their clothes stayed on them, nothing happened.

But the situation was enough to alarm those kids.

"I have better taste than that," he said to them. That seemed to be enough for the kids. They had probably found Gintoki in even more compromising positions.

Even their dog came here. At least he was quiet. Takasugi petted him while standing up. The dog pushed his head closer when he was taking his hand away. So it liked to be pet as any other dog.

"How this dog likes you?" Gin groaned. He was not going to stand up anytime soon.

"Cause I'm a goddamn delight," Takasugi sneered.

When he wanted to leave, Gintoki stopped him. “What are you going to do?” Takasugi looked at him but didn't answer yet. "About what we talked?”

“Move on.”

Takasugi went out this always loud and warm house and walked alone. That was more fitting for him.

 

* * *

 

Takasugi was still close to Shouyou. Maybe he spent a bit less time with him, they spoke a bit less, their eyes tried to avoid each other. But it was like nothing had happened. 

Gintoki didn't keep his mouth shut when he saw it.

"I'm done," he said standing up.

If only Zura was there, he would definitely help them avoid this scene. But he was too busy working as a prime minister, so he visited his master rarely. Takasugi knew what was coming, but he didn't have the energy to deal with it. He only smoked his pipe sitting aside trying to come up with some reason to leave the room. He didn't manage to do it in time.

“What's wrong, Gintoki?” Shouyou asked.

“Everything at this point.”

“Hm?”

"Goddamnit, Shouyou. You know what? He looked for you for twelve years without knowing if you were even alive. When everything was pointing that you were gone, he put that immortal crap in himself only to kick asses of whoever dared to hurt you. He can't see a fucking world because of you. And don't pull some crap you're not good enough, that he should have better in this world. You're his whole fucking world. So cut the crap and for once be a good example for us."

And he left. Why did he always have to be so dramatic and use such big words?

“Shouyou...” Takasugi couldn't let it stay like this, he needed to soften this situation. “Don't mind what he said.”

“It’ll be a bit hard to let it go...” Shouyou looked him in the eye.

"I don't want you to feel obligated to do anything in return. Gintoki's words might have sounded that way. That was why I didn't want him to talk."

"He is not best with words."

"Too fast forward."

"But it shows all his feelings."

_Feelings, huh?_

"What with my feelings? Did they get lost somewhere, sensei?"

"They didn't get lost." He brushed his hair back from his face. He looked so gently at him. No. Don't reject me again looking at me like that. There was a limit of how thick Takasugi's face was. "I don't want to drag you down."

"I'm pretty low already, so it might harder than it seems," Takasugi laughed it off. He didn't know what else to do. Drag him down? To where? All his life was a disaster, he lost nearly everyone, he learnt on his own skin all human cruelty, he had nothing at this point apart from dreams and this faint light that was trying to get away from him.

"Don't talk like this about yourself."

"Shouyou, we're both coming here bringing some crap with us. I'm not telling I'll be a delight to deal with. And that's why I can understand. It will be hard. But I don't want to give up on you... Though if you don't feel anything towards me, then I'll go out this door and this conversation won't happen again." He lowered his gaze. Right, there were battles, even he could not win. "I can't make you love me."

Shouyou stayed silent.

 _Okay._ Deep breath. Okay. It could go this way too. He knew about it. One more breath not to act shakily. He was going to be good. He got up and went to the door. He even opened them.

Shouyou closed them with one hand.

Takasugi didn't turn back. There was too much going on in him to let anyone read it from his face. He felt as Shouyou rest his head on his shoulder. He felt silky hair brushing the base of his neck.

"What am I supposed to do?" Shouyou asked.

"If there is something you want to do, try it. If there is none of it, let me walk away today, only for today."

Shouyou was silent.

"You can ask for whatever you want. I would do anything for you..."

"Stay."

Takasugi turned to face him. Now, there was even more going on in him, but he didn't care if anyone noticed it. He walked to see Shouyou. He wanted to look him in the eyes. And just make sure he didn't overhear it. That he didn't misinterpret it.

“I'll stay," Takasugi said with so gentle tone that he never heard himself using. "Is there anything more you would want from me?”

“I didn't think at all about it.”

“I thought too much about it,” Takasugi chuckled.

“Tell me,” Shouyou smiled.

Takasugi's mouth went dry. As he went back being that teenager Shouyou often teased. Also, he was slowly becoming aware of how close they stood to each other. Though, he answered: “I thought about embracing you and you embracing me. I thought about staying here for a night and laying next to you. I thought about waking up in the morning knowing you're in the apartment. I thought about kissing you. And...” he blushed.

Shouyou chuckled like he knew what would next words bring. He stepped closer. He slipped his arms around Takasugi and drown in it. “Embracing you was a good idea,” he hummed.

Takasugi laughed and nuzzled into him.

Their lips got close. Oh. Takasugi froze. He didn't want to make any mistake. Not now when...

Shouyou moved closer.

They kissed.

For a moment everything stopped. The dream came true. Then he started to want more. As while flying you're flying higher and higher until your wings burn down. He moved closer. He pushed Shouyou at the wall. He kissed him more and more.

He felt Shouyou’s hands were no longer bringing him closer. He was gently trying to create distance. He could push Takasugi away without any trouble if there was something wrong happening. Still, Takasugi stopped.

Shouyou looked distressed. Takasugi moved back a bit, a bit more, and more. Till both of the can feel the chill on their skin of being left alone.

It wouldn't work.

Everything shattered.

“Maybe I... I'll go.”

 

* * *

 

Takasugi left. Shouyou didn't stop him. Everything was alright now. He felt a bit uneasy for a moment, but now everything was back to normal. 

But if simply kissing made him recall things he didn’t want, maybe it wasn't for him.

But apart from that, it all felt nice. His lips still remembered the kisses. And they were craving for more.

Shouyou might have an idea of where to find more of it. He went out and as he thought, Takasugi didn't go far. He stood on the porch smoking outside and watching the moon. Shouyou fought himself in his head if he should get close to him or leave him. The voice of going closer won.

"I'm sorry," Shouyou said.

And he was truly remorseful. His student gave up so much for saving him, he believed in him when no one did, he went so far and he got hurt so badly. Yet, Shouyou couldn't grant his wish. Not as easy as it should go. He wanted to give this boy all the care and love he could still find in his heart. He wanted to keep his company and listen to his voice. It might seem that this boy's wish matched what Shouyou was silently craving for a long time already, but...

"You're pushing me away, I run outside and shut off. Not the best combination," Takasugi murmured without turning to him.

"You were always like this."

"It got worse."

"Maybe..." Shouyou came even closer. "But you're still running away to where I can find you."

"Cause I want to be found. It didn't change. The question is - do you want to find me?" He dared to look at Shouyou.

He seemed so vulnerable. With all his walls torn down. Shouyou would give anything to keep him safe...

That was the case. Shouyou became so good in hiding his emotion and pushing them away, that he had problems with recognising when he was lying to himself. He told himself it was all for his dearest student, he only wanted to make him happier. It wasn't the whole truth. There was also some more selfish feelings in him which he always tried to push down and now Takasugi was pulling them to the open and spoil them.

"I want to find you," Shouyou confessed. "Each time I'll be looking for you."

"Even if you push me away?"

"Especially then."

Takasugi leaned on him.

"You'll get cold."

"Whatever."

"Let's come inside.”

Takasugi listened. But he came in, he didn't seem like he expected to stay there.

"Shouyou... Don’t force yourself into anything. You're back. That's most important for me. I don't need anything more."

But that didn't feel right.

Takasugi continued: "Having you alive is really all I ever asked for. I don't even need to be close to you. I only need you to be alive and safe. That's all... I can leave if you..."

His stubborn boy, always relentlessly fighting for him. It made Shouyou want to reward him somehow. To give him something good. To ease his suffering.

No, not that. Not that was on Shouyou's mind now. Takasugi was his dearest student. Someone who always put a smile on his face, someone who kept him going, someone who was always here. And Shouyou wanted him to stay. He wanted that more than anything. That was what was really going on in his mind. Only that he needed him to stay. No explanation, no excuses.

"Please stay..." he let it out. "I don't want to be alone ever again."

"Okay."

Shouyou never thought that one simple word could bring him so much warm. He caressed his cheek. "Why are you giving me so much? Why are you enduring all of it?"

"That's what loving someone is. I want you to be safe, I want you to be the best of you, I want to earn a place by your side to support you. It's all that and not asking for anything in return... I can wait. After the years I was fighting for you, I can wait for a few more.”

“I think we'll figure it out in less than a year.”

Takasugi chuckled.

That was happiness. Even if they were broken by their lives and it became so hard to come close without stepping on torn part or without touching some still open wound. They would figure it out. They definitely would.

 

* * *

 

It took two months. Maybe they rushed a bit to it. 

Mornings were the easiest. They were always sleepy and all carelessness could be easily forgiven. During the day, the rest of the world told them what to do and they tried to follow their duties. Evenings, when they were finally alone, were a bit awkward at the beginning, but once they got used to it and stopped forcing each other to do anything in particular, it became easier.

The nights were the biggest problem. It was the moment when they dared to be the most intimate with each other.

By trial and error, they set some rules. Mostly not to stumble over Shouyou's always alert senses.

When they were sleeping, they had to either not touch each other or Takasugi had to be in his arms. Otherwise, Shouyou would wake up a lot during the night distressed.

While kissing, Takasugi should not push him on the wall. It was the hardest rule to obey.

Whatever they did, Takasugi never limited Shouyou's freedom of movement.

On the other side, there were some that worked another way around too. Even if Takasugi always gritted his teeth and endured when something didn't go well, Shouyou tried to notice what repeatedly bothered him. They agreed mostly on one - Shouyou had not to touch any of Takasugi's scars. Do nothing to make him think about them. Each had some story behind it and it wasn't the best idea to recall it in their circumstances. At least not now when it was still too fresh in Takasugi's memory.

And when they wanted to do anything more than before, they talked about it.

They still tripled and failed sometimes. They broke these rules sometimes. But somehow it all started to work out and they were happy.

 

* * *

 

Gintoki drank as always at Otose's bar, when someone bothered him. 

"I pay," he noticed the money bill and recognise Takasugi's voice. "Only one round. If he falls, I'll kick his ass out."

"You always have to flash everyone with money?" Gintoki scoffed.

"Someone has to pay from time to time to keep the business running." Takasugi sat by him.

He looked different than last time. He... He seemed happy. It reminded more of Gintoki's childhood friend than that shelf of the man seeking the end of the world.

Yeah, Takasugi used to be like this. Like a sun they all wanted to protect. No wonder Shouyou had a sweet spot for him. Who didn't?

"So? Only one round, so you two are good now? You and Shouyou."

"I hope so. Whatever happens, I won't let go of him easily."

"Just don't... don't suck each other faces off next to me." Gintoki grimaced failing to avoid imagining it.

"Cause I dating your dad?" Takasugi mocked him.

"Shut up."

"I would never think you stood up for me."

His voice turned sweeter too. But deep down he was still the same rotten edgy gremlin as always.

"I did it for Shouyou too."

"Why?"

"I knew he liked you. You think who was his most precious student whose ass I had to cover?"

"You covered me? When?"

"Always, you ungrateful piece of shit."

Takasugi chuckled. "We never assume anything good from each other... But now everything is possible, huh?"

"Yeah... And I owed you it."

Takasugi was silent for a moment. "Bullshit. What 'I owed you' crap?" He looked Gintoki in the eyes. "For what?"

"I..."

"What? Last twelve years were shit? Oh, really? And for how long you're going to punish yourself over it? Get your shit together. We're even."

"Okay... Count it as something I've done for my friend... Sounds better?"

"So... Should I now set you up with someone? Who do you want? The blond one with a scar? Or maybe that old lady from the bar?"

"I should have killed you."

"You can dream of it."

"So many missed opportunities in my life...” Gintoki sighed. “Look, someone came to pick you up.”

Takasugi looked up. Shouyou. It always took his breath away for a moment when he saw him. He stood up and went to him.

He kissed him deeply. A bit to make Gintoki cringe, a bit because he didn't care about anything else in the world than what he had right in his arms.

Sometimes things need a bit of a push. But with help of others, even the saddest of lives can reach their happiness. After all, everyone deserved a soft happy ever after ending.

**Author's Note:**

> It's my 20th published ShouTaka fic, btw. I'm officially insane.


End file.
